Dear Sir Globolog,
I know you will be surprised to read from me, but our mutual colleagues recommended you as a person of utmost integrity. Please consider this letter both as a request from an economy in dire need and as a WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY FOR MUTUAL BENEFIT so that you like me can take a few Steps to Wealth.
We both love freedom and prosperity. In an ever more global and interconnected world, the fortunes of Africa and that of my own country, the United States, are inextinguishable. For this reason we must work together.
Let us never forget the tragedies of the past. In one of the greatest crimes in history, the liberty and life of millions of Afrikaners were stolen (although some of their descendants do play for the Texas Rangers ha, ha! thats just a little joke). As in all circumstance, those with historical responsibility should acknowledge and apologise for their role.
America has a special place as guarantor of the worlds freedom. In Africa we even founded the Republic of Freedonia and our ties have been close ever since. That is why, in Freedonias hour of greatest need, I am sending 20 peacekeepers to the country.
Africas people should share in the growing wealth of the human family. Liberty and economic growth go hand in hand. Democracy thrives when the business talents of the people are unleashed. The more money there is, the more democracy. Indeed, the amount of money that candidates raise is a direct reflection of the amount of support they have.
It is for this reason I am honour to offer you a share of the Millennium Challenge Account US $10bn (TEN BILLION DOLLARS) will be deposited in your accounts under conditions of utmost transparency and a substantial share of the US$15bn (FIFTEEN BILLION DOLLARS) to fight the scourge of HIV/AIDS.
These monies will be deposited in your account on condition you support good governance, health and education of all your people, and promote sound economic policies that foster enterprise and entrepreneurship (if you live in a French-speaking country we will get these terms translated for you). You must also co-operate with us in achieving fair trade.
This means that you will be happy for the United States the engine of the world economy and ultimate guarantor of your future to continue with $4bn in patriot payments to 25,000 corporate cotton farmers at home. This sum three times total US aid to Africa enables them to undermine the livelihoods of 11 million small cotton farmers in Africa who lose out of $200bn as a result.
As their terrible history of exploitation shows, the Europeans are not your friends. Today they are trapped in old thinking. Because of their unfounded, unscientific fears they would rather your people starve than allow genetically modified crops bring you food and health and hope.
Security is our shared concern. I have always followed a foreign-handed foreign policy, and for this reason support to my godfather this year is at least as much as all assistance to the worlds poorest billion people. We must preserve the right of white folks to vacation wherever they chose.
It is said that our only interest is in our oil, which lies just off your shores and in your coastal regions. This is a misleading summary, an inaccurate formulation. Self-interest is not the way America is all about, and our brave troops are not dying for oil.
In this we are joined by my dear friend, Oliver Banjo, President of Nigger. We know his country, Niger, well, and I share his concern for the promotion of good governance through the proper use of Algerias oil and gas revenues.
So, dear Sir Globolog, please nominate a suitable Bank Account that will conveniently accommodate my total fund. Account could be fresh or it could be an existing one. The modalities on how the transfer of challenge funds will be done will be conveyed to you once we have established trust and confidence between ourselves. Also furnish me your private phone and fax number for easy contact.
You have my complete confidence. I think if you say youre going to do something and dont do it, thats trustworthiness. Capeesh?
May God bless the people on the continent of Africa. And may God continue to bless the United States of America.
Rufus T. Bush II - God, and my right
Write to Globolog at globolog@opendemocracy.net